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on fighting bouts (of emotions) 11:16 PM

bout (noun)

1. A contest between antagonists; a match: a judo bout.
2. A period of time spent in a particular way; a spell: a bout of emotions.

Maybe as a judoka this word's been most commonly used by and on me for the longest time ever - "how many bouts do you have?" / "which bout are you?" / "jia you for your bout!"

Yea, now that my mind's wandering it seems wittily pun-nish that I'm suddenly thrown into a a bout I need to fight, only this time it's one of negative and dreary emotions. To risk sounding overly pessimistic, it's probably just a rather stressful period of time given that I'll be away in Alberta the next few days over the Thanksgiving weekend, only to return with tough assignment deadlines and a Finance mid-term exam the next day. FINANCE! Omg. Coupled with the inherent lack of sleep and the need to rush over planning and packing, I've evolved into quite a grouch and worrywart today.

The Art of Travel

I tried making things better, settling down in the quiet of the Dafoe library revising Finance (with the intermittent power-napping and reading The Art of Travel). And Christine, I now understand why you said the book spoke to you, and I really appreciate your getting it for me though I've been having difficulty finding time to read. Given my state of emotions today, the following did appeal greatly:

"I felt lonely, but for once it was a gentle, even pleasant kind of loneliness, because rather than unfolding against a backdrop of laughter and fellowship, which would have caused me to suffer from the contrast between my mood and the environment, it had as its locus a place where everyone was a stranger, where the difficulties of communication and the frustrated longing for love seemed to be acknowledged and brutally celebrated by the architecture and lighting.

The collective loneliness brought to mind certain canvases by Edward Hopper, which, despite the bleakness they depict, are not themselves bleak to look at but rather allow the viewer to witness an echo of his or her own grief and thereby to feel less personally persecuted and beset by it. It is perhaps sad books that best console us when we are sad, and to lonely service stations that we should drive when there is no one for us to hold or love."

-- Somehow it felt bittersweet reading the above; the book enlightened, yet granted me omniscience (film jargon, haha) from a third person's perspective, observing myself and acknowledging I'm indeed lonely and lost today. And reading just made it both better and worse with the hike in emotions involved, yep. Oh, and I came across the part you wrote to me!

"At the end of hours of train-dreaming, we may feel we have been returned to ourselves - that is, brought back into contact with emotions and ideas of importance to us. It is not necessarily at home that we best encounter our true selves. The furniture insists that we cannot change because it does not; the domestic setting keeps us tethered to the person we are in ordinary life, who may not be who we essentially are."

-- It did set me thinking essentially if I've managed to find that space to make things better - sometimes I feel I do, but perhaps at times like this (stress/fatigue?) I'm just unsure and need some kind of assurance. After all, I haven't yet completed anything concrete about career management, and I'm definitely becoming increasingly unhealthy. ROAR.

Epilogue

I had an extremely long shower just now, scrubbing away at dry skin cells and applying my facial mask, as if to literally detox and wash it all off. Then I downed 2 red plums, munching on something healthier for a change. With my birthday coming soon, I ought to stop falling into Sisyphus and think positive thoughts.

I just need to do it all better, too.

Reach me!
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Winifred Lim
Arthur V Mauro Residence, Box 436B
120 Dafoe Road, Winnipeg, MB R3T 6B3
Canada

About me
You are an enthusiastic innovator, always seeing new possibilities and new ways of doing things. You have a lot of imagination and initiative for starting projects, and a lot of impulsive energy for carrying them out. You are stimulated by difficulties and are most ingenious in solving them. You can get so interested in your newest project that you have time for little else. Your energy comes from a succession of new enthusiasms and your world is full of possible projects. Your enthusiasm gets other people interested too.

Your feeling preference shows in a concern for people. You are skillful in handling people and often have remarkable insight into the possibilities and development of others. You are extremely perceptive about the attitudes of others, aiming to understand rather than judge people. You are much drawn to counseling and can be inspired and inspiring teacher, particularly where you have freedom to innovate. With talent, you can succeed in almost any field that captures your interest.

A difficulty for you is that you hate uninspired routine and find it remarkably hard to apply yourself to sometimes necessary detail unconnected with any major interest. Worse yet, you may get bored with your own projects as soon as the major problems have been solved or the initial challenge has been met. You may need to learn to follow through and finish what you have begun, but are happiest and most effective in jobs that permit one project after another, with somebody else taking over as soon as the situation is well in hand.

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